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Bored in your relationships? Lost the ‘spark’ and settling for less? Marriage or long-term relationships can very quickly decay into become suffocating and emotionally draining, far from the liberating and erotic dizziness that first drove your courtship. You’re not dominated by routine, sex is stale. The adventure is gone, the passion is dead and the eroticism has evapourated.
It’s part culture and part our fault. Our consumer attitude has seemingly perforated even our approach to one another. We take what we need and head on our way – and it’s killing not only our relationships but our ability to be happy. We have a contentment crisis on our hands.
It’s at this precise point that most affairs happen, as an attempt to reawaken desire. The thrill of the chase, the connection and the mystery of someone you don’t know. “Desire is fuelled by the unknown” says this week’s London Real guest Esther Perel. That’s why when people cheat they feel alive.
It’s precisely here that Esther is a world expert. It doesn’t have to be this way. Eroticism, mystery and romance are possible in long term relationships. How? Well, she’ll go into that on the show.
Connect with your vitality and creativity and revitalise your relationships this Sunday.
03:50 Brian’s introduction
06:58 Background influences which contributed to Esther becoming a cross cultural psychologist.
09:53 A chance encounter on Liberation Day following a very dark time.
10:47 Learning from a young age of the brutality in the world, but also the possibilities for a positive life.
12:35 Circumstances can knock one person down, whilst for another, it is the catalyst to build them up.
14:57 How those who take risks manage to insulate feelings of danger so it doesn’t control them.
16:03 Why Esther is willing to question rigid certainties or authoritarianism with no room for ‘disruption’.
18:16 The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships.
19:46 The changing reasons for working in men’s lives.
26:53 Esther’s bold statement that women’s lives are not going to change until men’s lives change.
28:43 Men are constantly having to prove they are men. Where male bonding is normative.
31:15 How the male millennial generation is seeking ways to change the need to prove masculinity.
34:09 Technology has its place but nothing surpasses face to face contact.
35:10 Love and desire relate but maybe they also conflict.
39:00 Retaining desire in a long term relationship.
40:19 Desire needs space: when couples desire their partner most.
43:12 How couples can engineer their own happiness and moments which generate desire.
45:34 We are asking one person to give us what once an entire village used to provide.
48:51 It is tragic that the average American today, in times of crisis, has only one and a half people to turn to.
49:29 Esther’s response to people who say ‘My wife is my best friend’.
51:17 What Esther wanted to facilitate with her book and first Ted talk, that was male friendly.
52:38 Why was it important for her to want it to be male-friendly?
54:53 Men don’t have a space nor language to express things about the male experience.
55:13 Brian answers Esther’s query as to how he responds to what she says in her Ted talk.
56:04 If you want comfy and safe, fine, but if you want spark, you need to get off the cosy sofa.and innovate.
59:50 Why did Esther give a second Ted talk so soon after the very successful first talk?
1:02:51 How Esther approached a talk on Infidelity.
1:07:50 Audience reaction.
1:08:33 The counter intuitive perceptions of infidelity she spoke of. The power of transgression.
1:15:14 Showing the audience alternative perspectives from the polarisation of views on infidelity.
1:16:51 What do we learn about love, lust and commitment by studying infidelity?
1:18:49 Some of the myths on male and female sexuality we don’t talk about or understand.
1:22:01 Facilitating talk amongst children about sex by making it a non-issue.
1:24:13 Adopting Dutch model of sex education would stop children learning through pornographic sex which is not normal.
1:26:15 Success secrets.
1:27:13 On her own death bed how will Esther evaluate her life?
1:28:21 Esther loves connecting people and growing the network of social connections.
1:29:04 Why Esther will continue to see patients as well as lecture and write books.
1:32:05 Your old relationship is over, would you like to start another, together or with someone else?
1:35:49 Phone call to the twenty year old Esther.
1:39:53 Best advice ever received.
1:41:40 Advice to the 20 year old who wants to get their own message across.
1:47:34 Brian’s summing up.
1:48:49 Esther asks Brian what one thing he took for talking with her.
1:49:59 Tell your partner ‘Thank you’.
1:52:04 Brian’s thanks.
Esther Perel Book:
Mating in Captivity