Inga Nikiforova

Full transcript: Inga Nikiforova on London Real

0:29 This is London Real. I am Brian Rose. My guest today is Inga Nikiforova, recent graduate of our Speak to Inspire course. Welcome. Thank you very much. Tell us about you. Where are you from? What do you do? I was born in Lithuania, in Sovietic Lithuania, and I was growing in a family of a military man, Russian military man.

0:51 So basically I was growing on a Russian military base, and in the late 80s we moved to Eastern Germany. So I grew up on Russian military base in Eastern Germany. And looking back, I realized that the place where I was growing, Russian military base, was based on a concentration camp. So I moved to Lithuania, in free Lithuania, in early 90s, and soon after I moved to the Netherlands.

1:31 So I’m living in the Netherlands. I am working in IT brokerage industry since six years, so I’m a broker. Okay. What was going on with you personally, and just in your life, before you decided to join us for Speak to Inspire? I had difficult period. I had my own business for two years,

2:03 and I took a lot of responsibility on myself. I had a feeling that I couldn’t handle it. I had feeling that I was overwhelmed, and I couldn’t find the fulfillment in my life. I tried different things, engaging myself in different activities, but I still couldn’t have that fulfillment. I wanted to do something more meaningful in life.

2:29 I was searching for myself. I started a new, to work for someone. I started a new job, I took a lot of courses, and I really enjoyed to work there. I learned many new things in relation to data center. It’s not really something, you know, spiritual or something that, you know, you can make your living with that, but it not gives you fulfillment. So I kept on searching it, and actually I couldn’t find it.

3:02 I felt overwhelmed, and I felt like I was just escaping in my work. You know, I’m a hardworking person, I like to put myself 100% in the work I do, but I was like out of balance, because I felt like work was more my escape, escape from myself. I felt out of balance. I was in search for something more meaningful in life, but I couldn’t understand what I was searching for.

3:33 Okay. And why the Speak to Inspire course? Why take that? I had feeling that my inner world and my expression, the way I was expressing myself, was not in balance. I felt like I don’t have a connection with myself, that I am not always clear enough to express myself, and I couldn’t understand why.

4:07 So I was really searching for myself. I pull the trigger and subscribed myself to Speak to Inspire course, because I really liked your videos on YouTube. I was watching, and I felt like, really, you know, you talk about things that matter. You have courage to talk about topics that are really actual in our time, that you cannot find on the television.

4:40 And I was, I felt connected with many of your guests, with most of the topics you was talking about, with people you was interviewing, because I could recognize myself there. I felt like physical, all the movements, physical expression, what I was busy with, I felt like I found, what is this word, confirmation.

5:16 I was finding confirmation to my own, to the things that I felt was important for me, but I couldn’t find confirmation from my peers or from my environment, you know. I stopped to feel lonely, you know, really. I found confirmation for myself in every video I was watching. I was finding confirmation for myself, and that’s why I felt like I really want to start this course, Speak to Inspire, because, you know, I feel like I’m part of it. That makes sense. That makes sense.

5:58 All right, so you start the course, you jump in, and I introduce you to 75 people around the world you’d never met. I start throwing video modules at you, workbooks, and I’m asking you to go live on Facebook and start uploading videos. What is the first two weeks like?

6:12 First two weeks was, to start with, it felt like two days, you know, because time flew away. And it was pretty awkward to see yourself. It was one of the most awkward things for myself, was to see myself on video, you know, like, is it me? You know, because most of the time you see yourself fronty, you know, you don’t see yourself from different side. So first two weeks was pretty easy, and they flew away with engagement and nice activities. You know, these modules, I was really felt engaged, so time was flying away.

6:56 What started after that was really challenging, when you start asking me to be more vulnerable and to talk about the things what matter. That was the part when I really felt challenged. Okay, can you talk a bit more about that? Sure. I felt challenged in the way that I had to become connected with myself again.

7:26 Because exercises that I was engaged in, there was requiring really a deep connection with yourself, and I really never had that. I felt that pretty much all my life I was escaping in different kind of addictions, you know, from most heavy ones to maybe more light ones, but was still the same. You know, I was not connected to myself. I was not aware of what was going on inside of me, that I was in fact running away from myself.

8:08 And when you asked me to find, to recognize and to talk about the things that really matter, that was the biggest challenge to me, the biggest challenge to be vulnerable, because I realized that biggest part of my life I was wearing a mask, a mask of very powerful girl who no one can, no one can really, you know, touch with anything, you know, that, to make me emotional, to make me vulnerable, because I was hiding that thing so deep inside of me.

8:52 So I’m really, the biggest challenge was for me to get those things out, and I’m really amazed how you succeeded in doing this, because that was not my intention, to come on London Real and talk about myself. You know, I was hiding behind the mask. I wanted to talk about environmental impact of the production, and, you know, I would like to talk about all those things that, you know, that not really matter for me,

9:24 because that’s not where it starts. If you want to change the world, you have to change yourself. And the realization of that, confrontation with myself, reflection of myself, that was the most difficult part, because I was trying many, many times to change my life, but I was concentrated on changing decorations instead of my inner self, you know. Buy new clothes, get a new boyfriend, a new house, new country, whatever, wherever it takes, but not myself.

9:56 So that was the biggest challenge, to confront myself, to put the mirror in front of myself and reflect. Powerful. Inga, you were here last night in front of 30 of your classmates, you gave your speech. How did it feel, and what was it like? It was also quite challenging. First of all, challenging because it was the first time for me to talk in front of the group,

10:27 and to talk about the things that I was hiding for so long, not only from others, because others knew, you know, my friends, my surroundings knew what I went through, but I kept on pretending that nothing happened, you know. I kept on pretending everything is fine.

10:44 So that moment of becoming vulnerable and talking about the things that I was hiding for so long, not only from others but from myself, most important thing, that I was hiding it from myself. I kept, I was kept lying to myself that I’m fine. And that moment of talking in front of the group and putting yourself as vulnerable, as a vulnerable person who actually, you know, admitting the fact that I was hiding behind that mask, that was very, very, very difficult.

11:24 After that I felt a huge relief. You know, as I told you, I was crying yesterday for a long time in metro. I was just doing my best to hold my tears, because, okay, I could put myself vulnerable in front of the whole metro, but I didn’t felt that it was important. So I like, and when I came to hotel, I just let it go. It was really amazing experience.

11:50 Why were you crying? Because I felt relieved of disconnecting. It was the first step of disconnecting myself from that mask, mask of, you know, very tough girl who, you know, who don’t care, and, you know, can compete even with men, doesn’t matter, chief executive officer, chief financial officer. I can, I can do, you know, I can do, doesn’t matter what kind of challenge will be in front of me, I can do it, you know.

12:20 Of course, it’s a very easy way to escape from yourself in this way, to take a challenge, but the biggest challenge is to confront myself. And yesterday I was challenged by removing my mask in front of everybody, and it was really amazing. Thank you very much for that. Welcome. You’re going to make me cry, Inga. It was a very powerful moment, you know. Your speech is very powerful,

12:46 and, yeah, I could tell it was emotional for you to talk about it, and even though you talked about it on camera in the course, it was very big to do it in front of all of us. But you seem different today. You seem like a different woman today. You seem calmer. Yes, exactly. I realized that,

13:09 and I would like to advise also to others who went through similar experiences in life, who was victims. I don’t want, I don’t like to use word victim, you know, because we never should put ourselves in position of victim.

13:24 But those who went through similar experiences, who was abused as a child in any way, in sexual, emotional or physical way, I would like to tell to everyone that they should talk about the things that happened to them, because it’s a very big relief when you do that. You realize that there are more people.

13:49 When I start talking about this, I realize that I’m not the only one who went through similar. Maybe I went through very extreme way of abuse, but there are many, many, many children, or boys, girls, who went through similar experiences, and they are ashamed to talk about what happened to them.

14:06 And since I start talking about that, the day of yesterday, I feel like huge amount of pressure went out of me, you know. A lot of stress, I get relief of that stress that I was holding for so many years. That realization that it’s good to talk about things, it’s good to let it go.

14:43 So, and maybe not there yet, it’s still a long way for me to go to become even more vulnerable, but I would like to help others to start talking about things that happened to them, so to don’t be ashamed of that. And yesterday, you know, when that pressure was so high, when I was talking in front of the people, I just was hearing my voice.

15:06 You know, I felt like a robot. I just, I couldn’t realize that I was in front of the public. I just heard my voice. I was just thinking about, don’t forget my speech. And then when I came to hotel, that, it just like broke, you know. I was just crying, not like the silent tears was rolling above my face, but I was crying like a child, in voice, like I should cry back then. So I’m really thankful to you for that experience.

15:40 You’re welcome. And you did it, you know, you did it. So, and thank you for going to the hard places, because you could have, like you said, given a speech about the environment, which is important, but that speech will come later. Now you need to tell the world what you’re going to tell them. And I want you to keep working on that speech. Good. And so what are your plans for the next 12 months? You’ve got your team with you, they’re going to make sure that you keep working on this. What do you want to do with this speaking talent of yours?

16:10 I would like to help others. I would like to inspire others to talk about that. First of all, I would like to share my experience, how I was dealing with that, and I would like to make others aware that sometimes things that happening in their lives, you know, you can go through struggle like I was going through, lots of addictions, of bringing myself to destructive situations, destructive relationships,

16:44 and not realizing that, you know, you can blame others, for example, oh, again and again, again something happening to me, and blame others for the things that happening to you. But I would like that in that year to make as much as possible people aware about the fact that they have to go to the core of the problem, that many things that happen to them are the consequence of what happened to them in the first years of their life,

17:25 to don’t close their eyes on that and trying to escape in harmful situations or addictions, or, you know, even phone, your phone is also addiction, escape from yourself. That people will, I would like to make people aware that connecting with them, with themselves, finding the core of the problem, talking about the core of the problem, not being ashamed to talk about the fact that they was abused,

17:59 and to others also, to don’t be silent when they see these kind of things. So I would like to concentrate myself on that. I might not love myself as I should love myself, but I would like to teach others about what I myself still have to learn. So that’s my plan for next 12 months.

18:31 And I would like to become even greater in my vulnerability, and I hope that I will inspire others as well to talk about what happened to them, and to give up a hope that past could be any different, to accept themselves. That’s, I think, the very important part of what this course gave to me, is self-acceptance,

19:10 because I realized that love, love to yourself, but I’m struggled most of my life, biggest part of my life, of loving myself enough to not get involved with this kind of situations or relationships, or, you know, like just treat myself nicely, to eat healthy and have a nice habits and be aware of what I’m doing and who I am.

19:36 So that this part of love, you know, loving yourself is includes also loving the part of yourself that you hate. I would like to make people aware that they have to accept themselves fully, because we are good as we are, and it’s not our fault for what happened, you know, for what others did to us, or to, it’s not my fault what others did to me.

19:59 It’s just like, you know, it’s a good timing or bad timing. I had a lot of bad timing, and I have a good timing meeting you on internet, then and now meeting your life. It’s a great timing. You know, when you finished your speech last night, you sat down and you were holding the hands of a bunch of your teammates. What’s the team like? What’s the class like?

20:23 I met amazing people on this course, with very different backgrounds, with different goals, but kind of on the same mission. I realized that people around me who surrounded me on London Real dealing with kind of same problems, but on the different levels.

21:02 And they are really, like, all these six weeks it was so supportive to me. By opening up, we got this amazing connection. I realized that I found so many new friends, which became kind of family to me, who knows about me more than people who was surrounding me for 38 years. I’m 38 now, you know. In this six weeks, Brian, you know about me more than people who I have considered as a best friends. Can you imagine? So I found like a new family in this group, and I’m really feeling blessed.

21:44 Amazing people. Amazing. Yeah, they’re very special, and you’re going to be with them now for the next 12 months, so I’m looking forward to everything that you guys do. Inga, it’s been amazing having you on the course, so I want to thank you so much for going all in. You know, you didn’t have to do that, and so I appreciate you going and getting uncomfortable and coming here last night.

22:06 And I think I asked you a couple weeks ago on one of the live calls to, you know, really go big. I hope you was not sorry about that. No, no, I’m not sorry. And I think this is the beginning of your journey, and there’ll be more uncomfortability and stuff, but I think you made a huge breakthrough, like, last night, in the last 6 weeks, you know, with you and your life.

22:30 And like I said, something seems different about you today, and I just hope that you keep working on this speech and focus it in a way, because you’ve got a great message and you have a lot of power in you. And I liked your message. Your message is different than other messages, you know. It’s about loving yourself by talking about these things. And again, you said a lot of us hide from ourselves. That’s a really important concept that nobody talks about, you know.

22:59 And you said other people knew the things about yourself, but you didn’t even know it, because you had decided not to really address it. Yes. And it manifested itself in all these other behaviors. So I think this is a really important message, so please continue working on the speech, and please keep giving this message, and help your classmates do the same. Thank you very much.

23:24 Okay, I will definitely, definitely do. And I’m really feeling so light today. That’s what you see in me, probably, you know. I feel like I was carrying a huge rock, you know, stone, as I say, huge rock on my shoulders, a mountain, without realizing that, that keep on hiding behind that mask, you know. Well, as I said in one of the practices, word person, translated from Greek or Latin, means mask, an actor performing an act.

23:57 I just think about that, you know. We all are actors on the stage of life, but only our masks sometimes are shaped with the wrong things. Sometimes they’re shaped with pain, with shame, with abuse. So it’s very important to disconnect, because I’m not really that person who was six weeks ago, carrying that mask, you know, of not being emotional, not really caring, and in order to don’t be hurt again.

24:30 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this a powerful message. So keep working on this, get this speech powerful. I can’t wait to see you on a TED stage or anywhere else, like, really inspiring everyone around the world. So thank you so much for the efforts. Thank you too. Welcome to the family of London Real. I think we’re going to see you a little bit more in the next 6 months or a year, and give me a hug too. Thanks. Thank you. Thanks. All right, thanks.