Most of us spend far more time getting to know other people than getting to know ourselves. Dandapani thinks that is backwards, and that happiness starts with fixing it.
In this clip from his 2016 London Real interview, the former Hindu monk answers a simple question from Brian Rose: where should people start? His answer is a five-minute daily habit that anyone can try, and a frank warning about why most people give up on it.
▶ Watch the full episode: Dandapani – Master Your Mind
Five minutes every morning
Brian asks whether the starting point is focused meditation or simply spending time alone asking questions. Dandapani keeps it practical. Take five minutes every morning, perhaps just Monday to Friday with weekends off. Wake up, shower, find a quiet spot at home, sit down and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths to relax, then start a conversation with yourself.
Talk to yourself like a stranger
The obvious next question, he says, is what to talk about. His answer is to treat it like meeting someone new. “What would you talk about if you met a stranger at a bar?” You would not just sit and stare at them. You would ask their name, how they are feeling, what they think about the news. Ask yourself the same kinds of questions.
At first the conversation will be shallow: how you feel today, whether you are hungry, what you thought of last night’s viewing. That is fine. If you met a stranger once a week for six months, he points out, by month three or four you would be talking about far more personal things.
Going deeper over time
The same happens when you keep showing up for yourself. Over time you start to explore what you really want, what motivates you, who you are, and how you are treating the people you love and yourself. That kind of conversation rarely happens on day one, he says. It comes after the fifth, sixth or seventh session, once trust has been built.
Why most people quit
This is where he is most candid. Close your eyes and go inside, and you will find things you love about yourself and things you do not. “Most people can’t handle that,” he says. They are happy to look at the good parts, but the moment something unpleasant comes up, they open their eyes, decide it is a waste of time and go back to their to-do list.
Brian adds that ticking off tasks can make you feel better for a while, even though you still do not know what your purpose is. Dandapani agrees. His answer is to treat yourself the way you treat someone you love: you see their good and not-so-good sides, and accept both as “part of the package.” Without that time alone, he says, you cannot know what you want.
Where his clarity came from
Brian notes that Dandapani spent ten years doing exactly this as a monk. Dandapani says he has done it all his life. As a child, he spent a lot of time asking himself what he wanted and what his purpose was, and became very clear about it early. That clarity, he says, is why he was able to leave everything behind to pursue it.
What to take from it
The habit is small, but the idea behind it is not. Happiness, for Dandapani, starts with knowing yourself, and that means making time for yourself regularly, even when it is uncomfortable.
Who is Dandapani?
Dandapani is a Hindu priest, speaker and entrepreneur. He lived as a monk for ten years at a traditional monastery in Hawaii under his guru, Satguru Sivaya Subramuniyaswami, where he was trained in understanding and concentrating the mind. Since leaving the monastery he has taught focus and concentration to audiences around the world.
This clip comes from his first London Real interview, Master Your Mind, recorded in 2016. From the same interview, see How To Reprogram Your Subconscious. He returned in 2019 for How To Raise Your Consciousness.
See everything Dandapani has done with London Real on his guest page: Dandapani on London Real.
More on London Real
Transcript
Transcript: Dandapani – The First Step To Happiness: A Daily Conversation With Yourself
0:00 Brian Rose: So what is the tool that you suggest people use to start? Is it that focused meditation? Is it just being with themselves alone, asking questions?
0:08 Dandapani: Yeah, I would say just take five minutes out of the day every morning, and maybe even just do it Monday to Friday and take the weekends off. Wake up in the morning, shower, go to a quiet place in your home or apartment, sit down for five minutes, close your eyes. You can do a couple of breathing exercises, maybe just take a few deep breaths to relax yourself, and then start having that conversation with yourself.
0:30 Dandapani: And then people’s next natural question is: what do I talk about? Well, what would you talk about if you met a stranger at a bar? Would you just sit there and stare at them? Would you ask questions? What’s your name? How are you feeling? What do you think about the election in America? Ask yourself these questions. Have a conversation with yourself the same way you would have with a stranger.
0:55 Dandapani: And when you have that conversation every day, the initial conversation should be very superficial: how I’m feeling today, I’m hungry, didn’t like the [unclear] we watched last night. And then after a week, we’re not going to be talking about that. If we met once a week for six months, by month three or month four our conversation should be so much deeper. We’ll be talking about much more personal stuff, and then you’d really get to know yourself.
1:21 Dandapani: And you’re diving deep and just trying to find out what you really want, what motivates you, who you are, how you’re treating the people you love, how you’re treating yourself. And that conversation doesn’t happen on day one. Sometimes it does, but most of the time it doesn’t. It comes after the fifth or sixth or seventh conversation, when you feel comfortable, when you can trust the other person with deeper personal stuff.
1:44 Dandapani: The same way, you have to trust yourself too. Once you close your eyes and go inside of you, you realise that you’re going to see things that you love and things that you don’t love. And you have to be prepared for that. And most people can’t handle that. They can close their eyes and go in and see all the things they love about themselves. But the things that are unpleasant make them open their eyes and go: this is absolutely useless, I could definitely use my time in much more productive ways. And then they get up and they leave.
2:12 Brian Rose: That’s the reaction when they see something they don’t want to engage with.
2:15 Dandapani: Of course. Why am I sitting here? It’s an absolute waste of time. I’ve got a to-do list, I can go get things done. This is a waste of time.
2:22 Brian Rose: And temporarily feel better, or feel like you accomplished a goal or something, when in fact you still don’t know why you’re here, what your purpose is, et cetera.
2:31 Dandapani: Exactly. The same way you get to know someone you love: you see all the good things about them and all the not-so-good things. This is part of the package. But you love and accept them because you love that person. The same way, you need to take that approach with yourself. But you can’t know what you want until you spend time with yourself.
2:49 Brian Rose: And you’re an expert, because you did that for 10 years.
2:52 Dandapani: And I’ve been doing it my whole life, even before that. As a child growing up, I spent a lot of time with myself, inquiring what I wanted and what’s my purpose in life. And I became very, very clear about it from an early age. And that’s why I could leave everything behind and go pursue that.
